Saturday, December 30, 2006

Fergie, Please Let Me Teach You English

I'm well aware that pop musicians have a long history of mangling English grammar ("I Can't Get No Satisfaction") and spelling (The Beatles, The Monkees), but Fergie, the lead singer of the Black Eyed Peas and sometimes solo artist(!), has committed so many crimes against my mother tongue that I have to, as the kids say, call her out.

First, there is "My Humps." This is a song that, like all of Fergie's oeuvre, consists of Fergie rhapsodizing about her own hotness. In it, she refers to her breasts and/or her butt as "my humps" and "my lovely lady lumps." I appreciate the rhyme and the alliteration, but when I think of humps I think of Quasimodo and when I think of breasts and lumps I think of cancer—and no, Artist Formerly Known as Stacy Ferguson, I don't want to touch your cancer, thanks.

That's just a case of awkward word choice, but the title of Fergie's new album is downright dumb. It's called the The Dutchess. That's right, The Dutchess. I get that she was trying to play off the fact that she's called Fergie—like that red-haired English chick—but isn't there someone in her entourage or at her label who could tell her that "dutchess" is NOT A FREAKIN' WORD? But it gets worse. In her latest single "Fergalicious," which is, shockingly, about how all the boys want to have intercourse with Fergie, she refers to herself as delicious, which she spells out correctly, and also "tasty," which she spells, and I quote, "T to the A to the S T E Y." If you're scoring at home, that spells "tastey," which, like "dutchess," is almost, but not quite, an actual English word. But who knows? Maybe Fergie isn't really to blame. After all, she works closely with the gramatically mangled And she's so busy that she sometimes has no time for basic personal hygiene.

So rather than mock, I hereby offer my services to Fergie and any other singer/songwriter/multiplatform performer. Add me to your entourage at a reasonable rate, and I promise from the bottom of my pedantic heart that the tastey dutchess will reign no more.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

POP OF THE DAY: Jones Cream Soda

Category: Cream Soda
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 3
Fizziness Factor: 3
Bottle/Can Design: 4
Availability: 4

Okay, so it took me a while to get over the All-Soda Thanksgiving Dinner, but now, 'tis the season for redemption. People the world over are gearing up to celebrate the birth of Jesus, Rocky Balboa is back in a cinema near you, Miss USA got a Get Out of Underage Drinking Free card, and I've let Jones Soda back into my life despite the fact that I still tremble a little when I think about turkey soda.

Unlike that abomination against carbonation, Jones Cream Soda tastes like something clearly definable: cotton candy dribbled with vanilla extract. Is that good or bad? It was good for the first six ounces or so, but after that the sweetness became overwhelming. I did like the fact that the photos on the bottles were taken by Starbucks employees. Mine had a simple black-and-white portrait of a baby, which I'm taking as a harbinger of the rebirth of my love for soda. (Total Score 14/20)

Suggested Food Pairings: A hot dog and fries