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Category: Orange/Grapefruit Soda, Grapefruit Soda
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: Cactus Cooler 3, Squirt 3Fizziness Factor: Cactus Cooler 3, Squirt 3Bottle/Can Design: Cactus Cooler 4, Squirt 4Availability: Cactus Cooler 1, Squirt 1
Which dark horse bottled under the authority of Dr. Pepper/7UP will win the Obscure Grapefruit Soda Derby? First up is Cactus Cooler, a Southern California regional favorite (?) whose flavor purports to be "Orange Pineapple Blast." The truth is that it tastes exactly—and I mean molecule for molecule—like a mildly carbonated, liquid version of Bayer's Orange Children's Aspirin circa the late 1970s. It's astoundingly sweet, and it's even got that chalkiness that dries out your mouth and makes you want another one, even though you know it's gonna make you feel pukey and you'll have to go lie down.
Squirt, thankfully, is not so saccharine. It even tastes somewhat like a grapefruit (as interpreted by Willy Wonka). It's murky yellowish color makes it look more "natural" than the neon orange Cactus Cooler, and it does contain about 1% bona fide grapefruit juice. Another ingredient in Squirt (and Cactus Cooler) is something called esther of wood rosin. When I see the word "rosin," I immediately think of is the fiddle competition in "The Devil Went Down to Georgia," but apparently this rosin is more about stabilizing citrus oils than outplaying Satan. As for the competition between Cactus Cooler and Squirt, it ended in a dead heat. Both of them go to 11, but not in a good way. (Total Scores: Cactus Cooler 11, Squirt 11)
Category: Adult Contemporary Soda
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 5Fizziness Factor: 5Bottle/Can Design: 5Availability: 3
I first tasted Orangina at the only fancy food store that existed in Pittsburgh in the late 80s—but I didn't really appreciate it until I went to Paris as an exchange student. I had never been to bars or cafes before, and I couldn't get enough. When I wasn't gettind drunk on vodka orange with some English paratroopers or watching in amazement as my friend Joe Nocito tried to scuttle down the sidewalk with a cafe table hidden beneath his overcoat, I was doing my best to look mature, even going so far as to cough my way through a Pall Mall bummed from a girl on whom I had a monumental crush, and who repaid my affection by going to the prom with my best friend.
On that trip I sampled the delights of table wine, unrequited love, the Musee D'Orsay, and Orangina: the artistry of the potbellied bottle, the precision blending of the fruit elements (12% juice! 2% pulp!), and that inimitable taste. Yes, it's orange, but it's also tangerine, with a hint of bitter grapefruit to keep it all grounded. And you can shake it. Orangina is uniquely pleasing to all the senses, and in this age of energy drinks and fortified waters, I fervently hope that it has enough admirers to stay on the shelves. But if, some day, Orangina vanishes from the Whole Foods down the street, well, we'll always have Paris. (Total Score 18/20)
Suggested Food Pairings: Croque monsieur, steak frites
Category: Energy Drink
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 4Fizziness Factor: 5Bottle/Can Design: 5Availability: 1
In case you've never heard of the silvery Norwegian beauty at left (and I hadn't) here is what Beverage Industry had to say about it:
Voss Artesian Water from Norway created G Pure Energy, a clear and lightly carbonated energy drink. G Pure Energy combines natural sources of caffeine, taurine, amino acids and green tea extract (EGCG) with a crisp taste. The drinks aim is to help drinkers stay strong into the night or boost their energy throughout the day. Lending itself to be mixed with cocktails, the sleek 200-ml. glass bottle is available at select clubs, bars, hotels and restaurants for $2.99.
So how did I end up buying mine for $3.29 at a 7-Eleven? And why did that delectably curvaceous bottle look a little roughed up? Is there some sort of Underground Energy Drink Railroad running from Norway to West Hollywood?
Perhaps we will never know. What I can tell you is this: the 6.8-ounce bottle is almost magnetically enticing, and it feels great in your hand. The drink itself is exceptionally fizzy, with a light orange flavor that falls short of perfection only because it leaves a bit of a sugary aftertaste. As for the purity of G Pure's energy, let's just say that I am typing reeeeeallly fast right now. Only the lack of wide distribution and a website with irritating background music keep this from being one of the all-time greats. (Total Score 14/20)
Suggested Food Pairings: Lutefisk, meatcakes, dumplings
Category: Energy Drink
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 4Fizziness Factor: 5Bottle/Can Design: 4Availability: 3
Tasting Notes:180 is an energy drink that actually tastes good. My whacked-out explanation for this is that its creators (either a team of mischevious animated spheres or Anheuser-Busch Inc, whichever you prefer) took the radical step of giving 180 the flavor of a naturally occuring food item—in this case, an orange. 180 also lacks that slight whiff of urine that taints many of its competitors. The 8.2-ounce can is pleasingly brand-appropriate, showing the rocket-like logo right-side-up on one side and flipped 180 degrees (get it?) on the other. 180 also works well as mixer: for quite some time my signature cocktail was a festive combination of 180 and a Spanish citrus liqueur called Licor 43 that I call—using Pittsburghian mathematical naming slang—a 223. (Total Score 16/20)
Suggested Food Pairings: Paella valenciana, tater tots
Category: Adult Contemporary Soda
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 4.5Fizziness Factor: 5Bottle/Can Design: 4Availability: 3
Tasting Notes: How can you not love a soda called GuS? Gus is the name of that old friend of every family—the one who works in a garage, fixing cars and maybe building his own airplane. Gus always has fresh donuts for the kids and a dirty story the grown-ups. Speaking of which, "GuS" actually stands for Grown-up Soda, and it is one. The bottle is a marvel of cheerfully accurate advertising: it shows a juicy orange and a host of bubbles, and that's almost exactly what GuS tastes like. GuS is light, fresh, effervescent, and a little sweet. The only reason the flavor came a half-point short of Piehler perfection is that the finish tastes less like zest and more like pith—which, by the way, can be electrically charged using static eletricity. I suppose it's that pith-y edge of bitterness that makes GuS grown-up, but my ideal soda is just a little more adolescent. All in all, though, good old GuS is definitely worth a visit. (Total Score 16.5/20)
Suggested Food Pairings: AsparaGuS and prosciutto appetizer, pepper-encrusted AnGuS steak
Category: Citrus sodaRatings (out of 5)Taste: 3Fizziness Factor: 2Bottle/Can Design: 3 Availability: 4 Tasting Notes: Oh, PepsiCo, you can be so cruel. LiveWire debuted in 2003 as a summer-only soda—the Mallomar of carbonated beverages, if you will. The autumnal disappearance of LiveWire inspired at least one online petition. Evenutally, the groundswell of support earned this "orange-ignited" flavor a permanent place in the Pepsi Product Pack, but it still doesn't have the rock star status of the original Dew—which, by the way, was originally created as a mixer for whisky. Who knew? LiveWire tastes like a melted orange gummy bear with a whisper of carbonation. It's also surprisingly filling, so if you're on a road trip and stop for caffeine and candy, LiveWire lets you skip the candy. It's best served really, really cold, in a clear glass that allows you to appreciate how the Yellow 5 and Red 40 mingle to create a shimmering, luminescent orange. (Total score 12/20)
Suggested Food Pairings: Sourdough pretzels, ramen noodles
Category: Energy DrinkRatings (out of 5)Taste: 2 Fizziness Factor: 5Bottle/Can Design: 4 Availability: 4 Tasting Notes: You know how most herbal teas smell great but taste like ditchwater spiked with rosehips? Hi Ball Orange (seen above at left) has a minor case of Herbal Tea Disease. When I sniffed it, I thought "fresh-picked orange." When I sipped it, I thought "um...bubbly water." Halfway through the 10-ounce bottle, I detected something orangesque, but mostly I got that vaguely aggrieved feeling I used to get when I was a kid and somebody offered me a "soft drink" that turned out to be tonic water. Hi Ball is certainly a grown-up beverage: no sugar, no carbs, nothing artificial, less than 10 calories. It contains the Holy Trinity of energy drinks (taurine, guarana, and caffeine), plus ginseng and B-vitamins. B-vitamins? In my soda? The only thing playful about Hi Ball is the snazzy clear glass bottle, which fits in your hand just like a water balloon. (Total score 15/20)
Suggested Food Pairings: Cornish game hen with fennel pomegranate reduction, a handful of sugar
Category: Orange/Grapefruit Soda, Grapefruit Soda
