POP OF THE DAY: Vitamin Energy Tropical Citrus

Category: Energy Drink
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 4
Fizziness Factor: 3
Bottle/Can Design: 5
Availability: 3

Like so many of my generation, I was once a Vitamin Water addict. Who was I to say no to those Warhol-bright colors, that Muderer's Row of vitamins, the understated hilarity of that bottle/can copy? After a few months of switching from the yellow one to the red one (and even a brief flirtation with the pink one), I beat my jones for ViWa and moved on to fizzier pastures. But now those wily French-sounding folks at Glaceau have outflanked me.

They've added fizz.

And now we have Vitamin Energy. The yellow can made me expect that VE would taste like the yellow ViWa, which it does—but it also has the chemical tang that you might know from Red Bull and which I think of as the taste of taurine (VE has 2000 mg). It also contains Vitamins B3, B5, and B12 (you sank my battleship!), along with caffeine, Vitamin C, and ribose.

I have to say I was initially put off by the size of the 16-ounce can. Can it be that good if you need so MUCH of it? However, now that I feel it kicking in, I think the buzz it delivers it well worth that extra trip to the bathroom. My major reservation about VE is that it is not listed on the Glaceau website yet, and I have only seen it in one place—but let's assume that Glaceau is going to do right by VE and give it wide release sooner or later. In closing, here's a tidbit from the can:

not recommended for children, pregnant women or people sensitive to caffeine.

recommended for people who have children, those trying to get pregnant or people in search of natural energy.

Funny, right? Now if they'd just learn to capitalize a bit...(Total Score 15/20)

Suggested Food Pairings: Spinach and radicchio salad with roasted beets and walnuts;

SODA SCIENCE: Cocaine is a Drug

So remember back in the day when I tried and disliked an energy drink called Cocaine? It must have been because it is actually a DRUG, according to the FDA.

The Food and Drug Administration said Redux Beverages LLC is illegally marketing the drink as both a street drug alternative and a dietary supplement, according to a warning letter dated April 4 but publicly released Wednesday. The FDA cites as evidence the drink's own labeling and Web site, which include the statements "Speed in a Can," "Liquid Cocaine" and "Cocaine -- Instant Rush," according to the letter.

In addition, dietary supplements cannot carry claims to prevent or treat a disease -- something only drugs can do, according to the letter. The Cocaine Web site lists an ingredient called inositol and says it reduces cholesterol and helps prevent hardening of the arteries, among other health claims, the FDA said.

"Your product, Cocaine, is a drug," the three-page letter reads in part. It's also a new drug and as such cannot be sold without FDA approval. In addition, the FDA said the product is mislabeled since it doesn't include "adequate directions for its intended uses."

You can read the whole story here, including the part where the company is actually trying to trademark the word "cocaine." Geez, where do they get the energy to do all this stuff at once?

POP OF THE DAY: Howling Monkey Energizing Cola

Category: Flavored Cola/Energy Drink
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 3
Fizziness Factor: 4
Bottle/Can Design: 5
Availability: 2

Two (2) reasons I absolutely could not walk past this soda:

1) the blue and orange color scheme; and
2) my love of the word "monkey."

I've always loved "monkey," and it has always been a part of my dreams of glory. My first (as yet unsold!) screenplay was called, in the tradition of movies named after songs, "Everybody Has Something to Hide Except for Me and My Monkey." It's about a guy who liberates six pygmy marmosets from a zoo—but wait, I have already said too much. I have always imagined that when I get my studio deal, my company will be Stunt Monkey productions, and our logo will be a monkey in a cape doing a wheelie on a motorcycle. Of course, somebody sorta got there first.

But on to the soda. Howling Monkey tastes like a slightly flat cola. It has green tea in it, which gives it a faint metallic aftertaste (kinda like licking a battery—and I mean that in a good way). It has all the hot-button energy drink ingredients: caffeine, taurine, ginseng, guarana, D-Ribose, L-Carnitine, J. Lo, and P. Diddy. It also has quinine in it, so it's nice to know that I probably won't get malaria in the next day or so. All in all, Howling Monkey was like haggis: I'm glad I tried it once, but I don't really see the need to try it again. Also, the website was really promising but wouldn't let me past the splash page. (Total Score 14/20)

Suggested Food Pairings: Screaming bananas

POP OF THE DAY: G Pure Energy Orange Blossom

Category: Energy Drink
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 4
Fizziness Factor: 5
Bottle/Can Design: 5
Availability: 1

In case you've never heard of the silvery Norwegian beauty at left (and I hadn't) here is what Beverage Industry had to say about it:

Voss Artesian Water from Norway created G Pure Energy, a clear and lightly carbonated energy drink. G Pure Energy combines natural sources of caffeine, taurine, amino acids and green tea extract (EGCG) with a crisp taste. The drinks aim is to help drinkers stay strong into the night or boost their energy throughout the day. Lending itself to be mixed with cocktails, the sleek 200-ml. glass bottle is available at select clubs, bars, hotels and restaurants for $2.99.

So how did I end up buying mine for $3.29 at a 7-Eleven? And why did that delectably curvaceous bottle look a little roughed up? Is there some sort of Underground Energy Drink Railroad running from Norway to West Hollywood?

Perhaps we will never know. What I can tell you is this: the 6.8-ounce bottle is almost magnetically enticing, and it feels great in your hand. The drink itself is exceptionally fizzy, with a light orange flavor that falls short of perfection only because it leaves a bit of a sugary aftertaste. As for the purity of G Pure's energy, let's just say that I am typing reeeeeallly fast right now. Only the lack of wide distribution and a website with irritating background music keep this from being one of the all-time greats. (Total Score 14/20)

Suggested Food Pairings: Lutefisk, meatcakes, dumplings

POP OF THE DAY: Bawls

Category: Energy Drink
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 5
Fizziness Factor: 5
Bottle/Can Design: 5
Availability: 3

I first tasted Bawls back in the late 90s. I had just discovered the guarana-powered soda Antarctica and was yearning to recapture the first blissful buzz that I had gotten from the Brazilian alternative to caffeine. Bawls tastes like an effervescent liquid creamsicle, although slightly less sweet. It comes in a nubby, cobalt blue glass bottle that holds a reasonable 10 ounces. And then there's the name, which opens the floodgates to an endless stream of homonym jokes. But Bawls is so uniquely tasty and invigorating that when Anita, my sassy Australian paramour, tells me to "go to the shop and buy yourself some Bawls," I'm more than happy to do it. (Total Score 18/20)

Suggested Food Pairings: Feijoada, fried plantains

POP OF THE DAY: Enviga Peach

Category: Energy Drink
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 2
Fizziness Factor: 5
Bottle/Can Design: 4
Availability: 4

Enviga is here! I've been waiting months for this sparkling green tea beverage (a joint venture between Nestle and Coca Cola) that allegedly has NEGATIVE CALORIES! How does it work, you ask? As far as I can tell based on my extensive reasearch (which consists of reading the can), it's the holy alliance of caffeine and Epigallocatechin gallate, everybody's favorite antioxidant found in green tea. As you can read here, every can is supposed to increase your calorie consumption from 20 to 33 1/3 calories, provided you're in the coveted 18–35 demographic. Think that sounds spurious enough that you should maybe sue the manufacturers for trying to dupe gullible behemoths into adopting a soda-based diet plan? You're not the only one.

But what does it taste like? Befitting its hybrid status, my Enviga tasted like the kind of drink a six-year-old might make by mixing together leftovers from the fridge, if the fridge in question contained Coke, green tea, a slice of peach, and a handful of freakin' aspartame. In short, a taste to be tolerated, not celebrated. (Total Score 15/20)

Suggested Food Pairings: For a negative-calorie snack, try Enviga with 1 package active, dry baker's yeast (20 calories); 1 pat margarine (20 calories); 1 cup mung beans sprouts (30 calories); or 1 cup cooked common cabbage (30 calories).

UPDATE: I tried the Green Tea flavor and it was a tad tastier, but for me the "negative calorie effect" consisted of a stomach ache that made me avoid food for a few hours.

Hey, maybe they're onto something.

POP OF THE DAY: Coolah Energy

Category: Energy Drink
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 5
Fizziness Factor: 4
Bottle/Can Design: 4
Availability: 4

I first tasted Coolah while waiting for a friend to pick me up at the Salt Lake City airport, and its energy boost got me through that dicey first day at the Sundance Film Festival (more on that later). Coolah is the first energy drink I've tried that's based on another soda—in this case an Australian lemon soda called Solo. Coolah is also the only energy drink I know that contains boronia, an Australian flower that apparently gives the drink its unique citrus tang. It all adds up to an energy drink that tastes less like a stew of chemicals and more like bubbly lemonade. It's marketed by Dr. Pepper/7 Up, so it should be pretty widely available, but even if you have to venture into the Outback to find it, it will be worth your while, mate. Coolah also get bonus points for its upside-down website. (Total Score 17/20)

Suggested Food Pairings: Toast with butter and Vegemite

POP OF THE DAY: Love Potion No. 69

Category: Energy drink
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 4
Fizziness Factor: 4
Bottle/Can Design: 2
Availability: 2

Tasting Notes: Okay, so this is a shocking-pink soda that shares its name with at least two adult films. And the bottle features a bony hand lacerating a giant heart. And the contents smell like children's cough syrup. But once you close your eyes and get past that first sip, LP69 brings to mind the mediciney goodness of Luden's Wild Cherry cough drops—you know, the ones that De La Soul namechecked in the song Can U Keep a Secret on Three Feet High and Rising? (See how my brush with Flavor Flav has taken me back to my hip-hop roots?) LP69 is chock full of ingredients like buchu, jasmine, and damiana, which sound like either superherbs or porn stars. It also contains the ginseng and guarana that put it in the energy drink category, but LP69 is an energy drink in the same way that crotchless panties from Frederick's of Hollywood are underwear. (Total Score 12/20)

Suggested Food Pairings: Bananas, carrots, strawberries, figs

POP OF THE DAY: 180

Category: Energy Drink
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 4
Fizziness Factor: 5
Bottle/Can Design: 4
Availability: 3

Tasting Notes:180 is an energy drink that actually tastes good. My whacked-out explanation for this is that its creators (either a team of mischevious animated spheres or Anheuser-Busch Inc, whichever you prefer) took the radical step of giving 180 the flavor of a naturally occuring food item—in this case, an orange. 180 also lacks that slight whiff of urine that taints many of its competitors. The 8.2-ounce can is pleasingly brand-appropriate, showing the rocket-like logo right-side-up on one side and flipped 180 degrees (get it?) on the other. 180 also works well as mixer: for quite some time my signature cocktail was a festive combination of 180 and a Spanish citrus liqueur called Licor 43 that I call—using Pittsburghian mathematical naming slang—a 223. (Total Score 16/20)

Suggested Food Pairings: Paella valenciana, tater tots

POP OF THE DAY: Cocaine

Category: Energy Drink
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 1
Fizziness Factor: 5
Bottle/Can Design: 3
Availability: 1

Tasting Notes: Hey kids, beware of Cocaine! Each can has 280 mg of caffeine! (Three times more than Red Bull!) It got banned by 7-11! The name on the can appears to be written in some sort of white powder! Oh, and it tastes like the kind of cough syrup that parents give their children as a punishment.

I must admit that the Cocaine marketing machine sucked me in. The provocative name, the promise of a lightning bolt of energy with no high fructose corn syrup, the fact that the only place in Los Angeles that sells it is a liquor store on the Sunset Strip. But none of that changes the fact that Cocaine is borderline undrinkable. Downing 8.4 ounces of Cocaine was like forcing down that first Coors Light in (for me, anyway) 11th grade. My stomach knew from the first bright red, hypersweet sip that it did not want anymore of this stuff. In fact, that first sip made my tongue tingle, scorched my throat, and even went up my nose a little. (Just like cocaine!) Halfway through the can, I was pretty sure my vision was blurring. I considered quitting, but the hope of a buzz kept me going, as did the fact that Cocaine tasted a bit less medicinal when I poured it over ice. Time elapsed from first sip to last: 1 hour 29 minutes. Did Cocaine get me high, you ask? (In a strictly "legal alternative" way, of course.) It did. My head felt like it was full of helium so that my skull was pulling up and away from my brain, and I found myself talking loudly and at length to coworkers with whom I previously had had nothing in common. So Cocaine was a qualified success as a social lubricant, but a debacle as an actual beverage. (Total Score 10/20)

Suggested Food Pairings: Whole wheat bread, kale

POP OF THE DAY: Jolt Blue

Category: "Caffeine-enhanced beverage" (see below)
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 2
Fizziness Factor: 3
Bottle/Can Design: 4
Availability: 3

Tasting Notes: I bought a 23.5-ounce torpedo tube of Jolt Blue because I thought it would be a blue cola. And how freakalicious will that be? I thought. Like Crystal Pepsi, only BLUE? Alas, no amount of italic musing will make Jolt Blue taste like anything other than cotton candy. Its high caffeine content, massive metal packaging, and abundant use of lightning-bolt graphics put it squarely in the category of Trucker Fuel, but of course the Jolters themselves beg to differ. To them, "It is regarded as a caffeine-enhanced beverage, which is a segment different than isotonics and energy drinks. Jolt contains 72 mg per 12 oz serving...which is twice the amount of caffeine found in Coke or Pepsi...and 42% more caffeine than Mountain Dew." (Their ellipses, not mine. I would have replaced them with a comma and an em dash, respectively, but I digress.) Bottom line: too big, too sweet, and it's making me lightheaded. (Total score 12/20)

Suggested Food Pairings: Corn dog, roadkill

POP OF THE DAY: Hi Ball Orange

Category: Energy Drink
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 2
Fizziness Factor: 5
Bottle/Can Design: 4
Availability: 4

Tasting Notes: You know how most herbal teas smell great but taste like ditchwater spiked with rosehips? Hi Ball Orange (seen above at left) has a minor case of Herbal Tea Disease. When I sniffed it, I thought "fresh-picked orange." When I sipped it, I thought "um...bubbly water." Halfway through the 10-ounce bottle, I detected something orangesque, but mostly I got that vaguely aggrieved feeling I used to get when I was a kid and somebody offered me a "soft drink" that turned out to be tonic water. Hi Ball is certainly a grown-up beverage: no sugar, no carbs, nothing artificial, less than 10 calories. It contains the Holy Trinity of energy drinks (taurine, guarana, and caffeine), plus ginseng and B-vitamins. B-vitamins? In my soda? The only thing playful about Hi Ball is the snazzy clear glass bottle, which fits in your hand just like a water balloon. (Total score 15/20)

Suggested Food Pairings: Cornish game hen with fennel pomegranate reduction, a handful of sugar

POP OF THE DAY: Vault

Category: Energy Drink/Soda
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 3
Fizziness Factor: 4
Bottle/Can Design: 2
Availability: 5

Tasting Notes: This sharp, citrusy enersoda faces the challenge of many hybrids: Will it be the worst of both worlds, like a DVD/VHS player, or will its two elements combine to create something miraculous, like a Junior Mint? The answer is somewhere in the middle.

As a soda, Vault, like fellow caffeine missile Mountain Dew, has a slightly disconcerting viscosity (must be all that high fructose corn syrup) and leaves behind a microcoating—perfect to protect your tender mouthparts from, say, that microwave burrito you were a little too eager to devour. The flavor, as it says on the bottle, is citrus, without actually having any hint of lemon or lime (or orange for that matter, although it contains concentrated orange juice). The closest I can come is "liquid pixie stick." As an energy drink, it has pulled me out of many a 3 o'clock mini-coma, and unlike so many of that ever-growing horde, doesn't need taurine or ginseng or royal jelly to do it. Vault just locks in the good old sugar and caffeine. (Total score 14/20)

Suggested Food Pairings: Caramello Koalas, searing hot pizza