It's that time of year again: when stacks of plastic sacks of miniature Baby Ruths and Milky Ways clog the aisles of grocery stores across the land, preventing that one artistic checkout clerk from fully implementing her vision of a Nativity scene crafted entirely from Chicklets and Necco Wafers. Halloween is the third jewel in the Triple Crown of candycentric holidays (following in the sticky footsteps of Valentine's Day and Easter), and in my lifelong quest for efficiency, I propose that we combine the three into one uberholiday to be known as Valloweaster.
Think about it. What are the chief complaints about the celebrations of the saccharine? 1) Valentine's Day is too couple-y, 2) Easter is too Peeps-centric, and 3) Halloween takes too much planning. So the main event of Valloweaster would gently mock couples (1) by having them hop door to door dressed in municipally-issued, matching rabbit suits (3), delivering candy to single folk who would be free to pelt the bunnies with their choice of Peeps products, which no one but the most desperate would have to eat (2). I'm not sure what else would happen, but it's a start.