POP OF THE DAY: Cocaine

Category: Energy Drink
Ratings (out of 5)
Taste: 1
Fizziness Factor: 5
Bottle/Can Design: 3
Availability: 1

Tasting Notes: Hey kids, beware of Cocaine! Each can has 280 mg of caffeine! (Three times more than Red Bull!) It got banned by 7-11! The name on the can appears to be written in some sort of white powder! Oh, and it tastes like the kind of cough syrup that parents give their children as a punishment.

I must admit that the Cocaine marketing machine sucked me in. The provocative name, the promise of a lightning bolt of energy with no high fructose corn syrup, the fact that the only place in Los Angeles that sells it is a liquor store on the Sunset Strip. But none of that changes the fact that Cocaine is borderline undrinkable. Downing 8.4 ounces of Cocaine was like forcing down that first Coors Light in (for me, anyway) 11th grade. My stomach knew from the first bright red, hypersweet sip that it did not want anymore of this stuff. In fact, that first sip made my tongue tingle, scorched my throat, and even went up my nose a little. (Just like cocaine!) Halfway through the can, I was pretty sure my vision was blurring. I considered quitting, but the hope of a buzz kept me going, as did the fact that Cocaine tasted a bit less medicinal when I poured it over ice. Time elapsed from first sip to last: 1 hour 29 minutes. Did Cocaine get me high, you ask? (In a strictly "legal alternative" way, of course.) It did. My head felt like it was full of helium so that my skull was pulling up and away from my brain, and I found myself talking loudly and at length to coworkers with whom I previously had had nothing in common. So Cocaine was a qualified success as a social lubricant, but a debacle as an actual beverage. (Total Score 10/20)

Suggested Food Pairings: Whole wheat bread, kale